Claire Lagerwall speaks to Strongest Story on adoption, learning to get up again and saying, “So long,” to Insecurity…

“My name is Claire and although not defined by my life circumstances, I certainly have been moulded by them.

Some of us start life on the front foot, and others aren’t so lucky. I am the result of two misguided teenagers who gave to each other what they thought would heal their own hearts. Instead, a new life was created which left a beautiful young woman alone, forcing her to make the hardest decision of her life. Taken from her at birth, her arms remained empty as I lay in a hospital cot alone for 10 days, unclaimed…

Perhaps the feelings of rejection, insecurity and anxiety began then.

Most of us get 9 months to prepare for a baby, my adopted parents had only hours. Taking their own struggles of infertility and setting them aside, they had begun the process of adoption five years earlier. The road was longer than they had anticipated, but the unexpected letter in their post box announcing my birth was welcomed.

Adopting a child carries many issues, often not discussed. Amongst these are the possible parent/child differences or similarities and the endless worrying that the child may resent you. My parents had not had life easy, and I admire where they are today. My mother grew up in a home of four children, never having much but always striving for more. My father’s mother died when he was six and he was passed from home to school, as his own father struggled to single-handedly raise five children. Neither of them started life on the front foot. They didn’t finish matric and they certainly weren’t afforded the opportunity to study further. To be faced with the challenge of infertility early in their marriage was a bitter pill to swallow. Probably the hardest moments were watching their friends and families get married and have children.

Their tenacity and adversity extended down into my own childhood. I can’t say it was an easy road, my loud rambunctious ways and neurodiverse thinking, often left my parents cringing. But they knew that if they were able to shape me correctly, I would be able to face life’s giants just like they had.

From the time I was young, I struggled with insecurities and knowing who I was, when I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere yet pieces of me belonged to so many. In some ways, I don’t think I have ever fitted in anywhere. This impacted my self-perception, and although my parents did what they could, I still felt ugly and unwanted.

As an adult, I would come to understand that this is a common thread in adopted children. By the end of my teen years I was severely overweight, insecure, plagued with autoimmune diseases and I had been told I had a high chance of never having children.

But the lessons my adoptive parents taught me have been invaluable. They taught me that life isn’t about what happens to us, but rather about what we do with it – and given their own challenges and adversities, I knew I could hold tight to that wisdom.

My dad always said, “Life happens, what are you going to do about it?”

Now as an adult, having lost two pregnancies; prayed for my child as he fought for his life in ICU; battling an autoimmune disease that took over my life, rendering me tired and often depressed; and more recently, having my seven year old daughter swept out to sea where she almost drowned; I’ve had to put these lessons into hard practice.

Some would say I am just resilient. But I know the Truth. I’ve realised that as believers we are not exempt from pain, but we’re also not alone in it. I found solace in the Church, and in my Christian faith. This is where my healing began.

When COVID-19 hit South Africa, I lost a life-changing writing contract and was left feeling a little off-course. But once again, I turned to the valuable lessons I had learned growing up. Often when God closes one door he opens another. After penning a poem that went viral (My President, You’re Tired), I found the confidence to start writing for myself.

With much uncertainty I started plotting my novel. I surrounded myself with a team of friends and colleagues who I knew would help me find the courage to follow a pathway that could only be navigated by God. The rest followed quickly.

But I don’t want to stop here, I have so much to share. My ultimate goal is to uplift, inspire and empower through my words. I hope that one day I will get to stand on a stage before young minds, and share with them the lessons I have learned.

But for now, I will focus on my next novel and hope to live a big life. Perhaps a quiet life, I’m not sure, but I hope from now on it won’t just be with my husband and children, but also with a new found companion called Confidence.”

A personal message from Strongest Story:

On that warm April evening during the Covid lockdown, stress levels in the country were already mounting as we watched President Ramaphosa address the nation. His exhaustion was palpable and his sighs audible. I remember waking up the next morning also feeling tired. I switched on my phone to discover that three different people had forwarded me a link to the same poem. Part of the poem read:

“Are you Ok, Mr President?

You look so sad

Your eyes tell a story

I’m sorry it’s so bad”

As I read the gentle words addressed to our president, I felt moved and remember wondering who the person might be who had written these heartfelt words? What sort of women takes the time to pray such beautiful words of encouragement over a president, carefully pen them down and then courageously post them for the world to read?

Weeks later, somehow, quite coincidentally - or not - and mainly just as one South African female author to another, our paths crossed over the networks of social media. As two women, both passionate about writing, and both having grown up in the Natal Midlands, we immediately connected. It was only after several weeks that I realised that I was speaking with the huge-hearted women behind the poignant words of the President’s poem.

Claire is a woman who boasts many qualities. Her life story has taught her how to be determined, dedicated and driven, and she is naturally creative, charismatic and courageous! These six qualities underpin the person Claire is and the writer she strives to be. Claire, it’s been wonderful connecting with you – even if we’re usually talking over the noisy voices of our children. We admire your big heart and beautiful words, they will continue to touch many more ordinary - and even extraordinary - people! We commend you for writing and living your strongest story!